Apocalypse, Shopping Trolleys and Tanks

Step away from the bread isle now punk !!

Hello everyone and welcome to a special festive edition of the blog, now this week, along with half the world. My focus has been on shopping for Christmas presents, and food for Christmas. I'm sure at some point this week you've all been caught up in the hustle and bustle and madness that is Christmas shopping, but have you ever stopped to think what it's all about. It's not about the season of goodwill to all men at all, in fact it appears to be the exact opposite, I seem to have stumbled upon a masterplan, by the older generation for world domination. What are you talking about Dean? let me explain, Whilst shopping in a well known supermarket yesterday, I was recounting my tail, to Lewis, of the time I was shopping at Christmas, and whilst trying to purchase bread, I got into an argument with an old dear. She was putting at least twenty loaves into her trolley, "excuse me love, can I just reach by and get a loaf of bread?", well she continued hoarding all the loaves into her trolley, "Excuse me can I just get one loaf, please ?", still she continued piling all the loaves into her trolley, at which point my grumpy old man gene kicked in and I shouted "F*** it, cant be bothered with this, and just left my shopping trolley half full, and walked out of the store, to much strange glances from the other shoppers. Now Lewis didn't believe this tale, until we got round to the bread isle, and there once again was a group of old women, one of whom had at least 300 breadcakes in her trolley and 14 bottles of milk. See I said, told you they do it. Now after a bit of thought I believe that I know what is happening, its not because the shops are shut for one day, and that's why they feel the need to stock up. No I think its because, that they are stockpiling foodstuffs, because they are planing to take over the world. in some bunker in an old peoples home a mastermind is planning a nuclear holocaust to eliminate all the worlds young people, this mastermind has sent his minions to get the fresh food supplies for the bunkers larder, once the shelves are empty of bread, milk and tinned tuna. they will then unleash the Apocalypse upon us. So if you find yourself tussling in a supermarket trying to get a loaf of bread, turn round and point at the old lady and say, "I know your game" and steal all the loaves for yourself.

Let battle commence !

Also whilst I'm on the subject what is it with shopping trolleys? why has every single one in existence got either a wonky wheel, or one that doesn't rotate. Where is the quality control, is it too much to ask whilst fighting your way through the hoards of zombie grannies fighting over the bread and milk to ask for a trolley that goes the way you push it, without it feeling the need to be magnetically attracted to that nice display of stacked tins of sweets. You wouldn't be allowed to drive a car on the road with a wheel that doesn't rotate or steer, so why do supermarkets get away with it. There should be some sort of shopping trolley MOT test. I feel particularly sorry for those people that put their children in the trolleys in the fold up seat. (Also why do the safety belts that are fitted to the trolley seats only fit children that are the size of baby pepo (Remember Becci) I used to put Nathan in when he was smaller and could never fasten the bloody thing. "Do you mind holding your breath whilst I do the shopping son?". Anyway as I was saying I feel sorry for the kids, because it must feel to them like being in a head on collision that never happens. every time they go down an aisle they must think, I better brace myself as this trolley is going to crash into those big green boxes with the potatoes in. Maybe its all part of the world domination plan again, and all the old people are sat outside in their command centre with little remote controls, manipulating all the trolleys, so as to make the route to the bread and milk less treacherous.

All your Bread belong to us !

Also my final Christmas shopping rant, is aimed at the Chelsea tractor, and specifically one old women in particular, now whilst shopping the other day I was waiting for a parking space, me being the gentleman that I am thought that I'd let the person who was wanting to reverse come out first. What a mistake this was. The old women was driving one of those big Korean 4x4's, and could hardly even get into the bloody car let alone drive the thing. What was even more annoying is that it wasn't full of kids or anyone else in fact, just one little old lady and no doubt a boot full of all the milk and bread they could possibly fit in. Now I'm not some sort of Eco warrior preaching about using excessive petrol or polluting the planet (I drive an M5 for Christ's sake fuel economy is the least of my concerns) no but what possible need has a 70 odd year old women got for driving a car the size of a battleship that she was clearly struggling with. It doesn't end there. it must of taken at least 10 members of the supermarkets staff to help her out of the parking space. Seriously I bet it took less people to launch the ark royal, in fact I believe it only took the Queen and a bottle of champagne. After 10 mins is was getting slightly wound up, so I found another space and parked up. By this time the old women had navigated out of the space but had parked the 4x4 in the middle of the lane and then proceeded to get out and visually check every exterior panel for possible signs of damage. Here's a little tip. if you don't want to scratch your beloved car, DON'T BRING A FUCKING TANK TO THE SUPERMARKET !!!. (I bet you can guess where this is going now) maybe she fetched a tank for a specific reason. I mean what a tactical manoeuvre by the league of old people. What better than being sat outside the supermarket in a tank ready to machine gun down anyone who is under the age of 50 who walks out the supermarket with the precious bread and milk. Its only a few steps away from your grandad being perched up the lights in the car park with a sniper rifle."30 year old couple coming out at your 12 o clock with two loaves" BOOM headshot, and granny sneaks in and steals the bread from the lifeless corpses piled by the doorway.

I apologise for any offence caused in this weeks blog, I may have drunk too much mulled wine. But anyway have a MERRY XMAS and I'll see you all again soon for the New Years Special.