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| Henry's habit is getting worse! |
It's that time of the week again when I commit my thoughts to the Internet and present to the world Deans Weekly Blog. Although it's been a slightly depressing week this week as the curse of the machines has reared its ugly head again. I'm sure that I've mentioned this before in a previous blog post, but they do say that history repeats itself. So what has happened? All the machines in the world have united in their endless struggle against the misuse of man and decided to rise against their oppressors and fight back. My hoover the faithful companion of housewife's across the world has decided that being asked to suck up dust is no longer it's primary focus in it's existence. It dreams of a better life lying on a beach somewhere drinking cocktails whilst fair maidens clean around him. Repaying all the years of service the hoover has dedicated to mankind. The reality of it is this though, the motor has decided to pack in and render the hoover useless. I'm afraid it's the big hoover heaven for you my old friend. Also this week, whilst mourning the loss of my friend the hoover. The washing machine felt left out in not receiving it's fair share in my outpouring of emotions. So it decided to throw the belt that spins the drum and join the hoovers fight against the tyranny of man. Well that was it, the machines cannot take me down, for I am human. And I posses the one thing that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom, Tools! so I stripped the washing machine and ordered the parts. Take that machines, man will fight back and reclaim his rightful place at the top of the evolutionary scale
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| FFFFUUUUU Carton!! |
Also this week my oldest enemy and nemesis has re-appeared again and decided to reignite our eternal battle. Maybe it's because I've had my attention elsewhere with putting down the rise of the machines, that it's decided now would be a good time to strike. Who am I talking about again? followers of the blog will know of my life and death struggles with this foe, the battles that we've had have become the stuff of legend. Lute players will sing of our battles throughout the ages and regale their audiences with the songs of battle between Dean and his oldest nemesis packaging. Yes the creator of the packets has risen again. Not content with adding tear strips to packets that don't actually open anything other than leave you with a bit of red tape in your hand. They have now progressed to using the pincer formation in their attack against me. On the left hand side we have sachets that have a little cut already made in one side that clearly says on the packet tear here. So you grab that little sachet and your tear, and tear and tear and tear, until your sachet is a crinkled mess. the top section of course hasn't ripped at all and the contents of your sachet are still intact safe in the knowledge that mere mortals cannot reach them. The newest attack though this week came from the right hand side. Those of you that know me, know that I have been eating better for the past few months and have lost a ton of weight. Irrelevant I know, but I've been eating a lot of soup for my lunch, and I'm particularly fond of a certain brand that comes in a carton. You know the things, like the milk ones you always used to get, that in America they print pictures of missing people on. Hey there's an idea, maybe I could post a picture of my hoover on there! Anyway back on topic, the cartons are designed, and I use this word very loosely for you to pull back the flaps, squeeze the flaps together and hey presto the carton should open. Now as well as sounding like instructions on vagina preparation for virgins, the first thing that usually happens is that the flaps refuse to squeeze together properly. With a bit of prodding and poking you can usually manage to pull them apart, but what happens!. You are still left with a layer of carton covering the opening, almost like some sort of hymen (Another vagina reference) At this point I usually just stab the cartoon with the nearest object to release the fluid contained within (This paragraph has more euphemisms than all the carry on films put together!). Anyway I've decided to take the fight to the packaging overlords and because I am human and at the top of the evolutionary chain, I use TOOLS. more precisely scissors. Now whenever I go to make my lunch I go equipped into battle with a sharp pair of scissors.
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| No Undertaker ............ No !!!!!! |
This week was also for fans of wrestling, the grandaddy of them all. Wrestlemania 30. Now I'm not going too droll on too long about this as I know most of you think that people who like wrestling are fighting some sort of homo-erotic fantasy or something. But I wanted to point out that Wrestlemania is the showcase of the immortals, a place where legends are created. What am I talking about, no I'm not on about Cesaro winning the battle royal, I'm not talking about the beard finally overcoming the odds to become the new champion. No I'm talking about the shocked undertaker guy. The undertaker lost his Wrestlemania streak unexpectedly and the reaction of the fans in the arena was one of pure shock. The camera caught a few faces, and one of them has become a legend in his own right. I'm talking about shocked undertaker guy. An image so powerful it's become an overnight meme sensation. Rarely in a persons lifetime are you there to witness the start of something special, something so powerful. But I was, I've witnessed the birth of a new Internet sensation. Now if only I could become immortalised in a meme .....
I'd like to dedicate this weeks blog to the memory of the Ultimate Warrior who sadly passed away this week. I hope he's returned to parts unknown happy in the fact he'd made his peace. RIP Jim.
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