Dog vs Cat, Confusion and Baywatch

I think you'll find thats my water

Hello and welcome, grab yourself a comfy seat and a cup of coffee and enjoy this weeks blog. Or if your my sister then why not read the blog on your phone whilst on the toilet (I think she may be subliminally trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting the message). Anyway wherever you're reading this enjoy (and make sure you wipe yourself properly). Last weekend as you may of noticed I was late in posting the blog. One of the major reasons for this, as well as having an Internet connection from the 1950's (see previous moans) was the introduction into the family home of a new pet. Yes with the massive Internet phenomenon that is cats, I've gone and got myself a pet cat. To be fair because cats are the big thing wasn't the reason for me getting it, I had to rescue it, and having a soft spot for all things furry I couldn't resist. Anyway most of the weekend was spent wearing my black and white striped shirt, and refereeing between the cat and the dog. Yes I've been embroiled in one of life's archetypal battles, The strange thing is (And I blame cartoons for this) Our perception of who is the master species is distorted. Cats seem to have the upper hand in this situation. Don't get me wrong, the dog is the main instigator in hostilities, but the cat is smart enough to stand its ground and say to the dog, "Come and have a go, if you think your hard enough" So whilst this standoff is happening I get involved, and knowing that the dog is the most submissive of the two species end up saying "Leave the cat alone", so the dog turns tail and goes back and lays down. The cat sits there grinning as if to say "Ha, I got you done" and then scampers back off upstairs. To be fair to them both after a few days all the aggro seems to have settled down, but I still hold hope for the day that they end up living together in dog and cat harmony. And the world will live as one !!

WTF !!!!

Also this week I was forced to endure an episode of The Only Way Is Essex. (When I say forced, I actually was, I was strapped to a chair by cable ties, with duct tape across my mouth. My eyelids were sellotaped up, so that I couldn't blink. Also I was handed a mobile phone so that I could speak to my children to inform them that I was okay providing I conformed to the kidnappers demands. And If I didn't I would be forced to watch Peter Andre. Not wanting to put my children through the harrowing prospect of seeing their father in pain whilst having to watch an episode of Peter's show, I submitted to my kidnappers demands and watched the show. (I would like to point out that this never actually happened). So where do I start .... Well my first words would be what the F**k was that all about. I've never watched such a bizarre program in my entire life. I know at the beginning they say that although the people are real, some of the situations are created for "entertainment" purposes. No shit Sherlock. Imagine if you will, you've been dating a girl for a couple of weeks now (Hard for me to imagine, but hey), you've spent a bit of time together in each others company, but never really got to first base. So when you spend you first night together, what would you consider to be the right thing to do. I dunno maybe a bottle of wine, a DVD cuddled up on the sofa, a nice meal and see where the evening heads. NO, on this program the lovebirds spent their first night together, by the bloke asking "Will you get naked?" okay straight to the punch I like this no messing about, "Seeing as how its the 100th anniversary of the Titanic, I want to draw you like that scene from the film" WTF, her reaction was priceless as well. Now this is where I struggle with the concept. If its real life then WTF, I really can't see my next girlfriend being pleased with me asking her to get naked so I can draw her on our first date. And if its entertainment, what twisted writer thought that would be a good scenario. The best thing about the sequence is that after an hour or so, when his drawing was finished, He couldn't even draw. It looked like a scribble !!. The madness doesn't end there. A rather attractive but stupid girl was showing her friends her new bottom, "Yeah you see, they sucked the excess fat out my legs and injected it into my buttocks to fill them out, It's not even like surgery, its natural" WTF, yeah because everyone magically has fat sucked out from their legs and injected into their arse without the intervention of man. There was another bloke who's girlfriend told him to sort his life out, so he went and got veneers on his teeth. I mean seriously WTF is this all about. If these people are real then I fear for our nation, as we are reaching a level of mental retardation not seen since the days of Katie Price. If their not real and in fact are characters portrayed by actors then why on earth do people find this entertaining at all. I'm as confused as a baby raccoon (Who are notoriously confused). The worst thing is they cancel good shows, with proper scripted stories, tense drama, and great acting for this shit. No wonder half of the younger generation appears on the Jeremy Kyle show if this crap is what they grow up watching. And Julie you should be ashamed of yourself.

Big in Germany

Also this week, with the launch of the website www.bullseyecarparts.co.uk (I'll be all official now and state that all the views on this blog are my own and are not affiliated with the company, phew that should keep them off my back) I've been delving into the world of analytics. Its quite amazing what information can be gleaned from your audience. So as an experiment I ran the analytics on my blog site and have discovered a few quite disturbing facts. Firstly my biggest source of traffic seems to be from the United States, this is very worrying as, I've more than once, poked fun at our American cousins. Maybe this isn't the smartest thing to do with a bunch of gun toting inbreds (Joke). I mean insulting your biggest audience is tantamount to journalistic suicide. On the other hand it could be my very British sense of humour, and my take on the American people that might be the actual reason that my American audience comes to visit. (although I tend to think that it's probably the pictures of cats that drives them to the site). Secondly I seem to have developed quite a following in Germany. This worries me even more as it almost makes me the English equivalent of David Hasselhoff. And that's not something that anyone wants. On the plus side though I have no plans to release an album of love songs, and Its a dead cert that you wont catch me running down a beach in red swimming trunks (unless I've had 15 pints). I also would like to point out that unlike The Hoff I have no plans whatsoever to paint myself orange. I'm perfectly happy with the slightly pasty, spend way to much time indoors in front of a computer look. Its my thing and I'm proud to rock it.

Anyway I'm off time to watch qualifying at the Bahrain Grand Prix and see if any protesters set fire to themselves