 |
| Bad Dragon !! |
Hello people, remember me ... For those of you who are new to this and haven't been here before Welcome. Let me start by introducing myself again to all of you new readers who haven't got a clue who I am or what you're even doing here (I assume by probably typing cats and gif into google). My name is Dean and some might say that I'm a little bit strange, I would describe myself as an Internet pioneer, man of mystery and a sexual Tyrannosaurus, but I'm biased. Anyway now that I'm finally back and writing I suppose I better keep you entertained, I mean that's why you all come here (or is it for the cats?) so what would you like to read about? (As if you actually have a choice) let me delve into my mystic mind of marvellous memories to regale you with fantastical tales about mighty warriors clashing with mystical dragons. Or maybe I'll just write shit about cats and the Internet (again!), It has been a while and I may be a little bit rusty. So what have I been doing whilst I've been away you ask? Many many many things would be the answer and that's all I'm going to really tell you at this point. Besides if I give away all my material in the first few paragraphs, it's going to end up being a rather crap blog (Or more crap than it usually is) Anyway enough of the introductions and let's get to it. Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ..............
 |
| 2 x X = Y |
Remember when you were at school learning algebra and thought to yourself, I'll never use this skill at all in the real world. And you didn't it was quite easy to do your shopping, or cook meals without having to work out complex equations, and life was good. Rainbows and unicorns and candy floss were floating around in our heads, life was simple, life was fun. Then Microsoft developed Excel and you had to use it to do your job, regardless of the job. And now you have to spend your entire life searching through the very depths of your mind trying to remember something that your maths teacher told you years ago about an equation, but can't remember anymore. Years of partying, relationships and bad TV have all got in the way. How am I supposed to remember how to work out an equation to give me the figures I need. I can remember how hot the girl was who sat in maths classes with me. I can remember passing notes around the classroom, and doodling on my exercise books whilst I developed my artistic style. But can I for the life of me remember how to work out the percentage discount of an item from the original sell price. And maybe this was the problem. I was too distracted at school and didn't realise at the time that our maths professor was actually a clairvoyant and could see the future. Or maybe all the maths professors of the world united and joined Microsoft to write a program that would become indispensable in your every day working life just as a big FUCK YOU! to all the children who didn't pay attention in their lessons because the girl across from you had blond hair and you were going to marry her and have babies.
PS I never did.
 |
| My worst fears realised |
Let me talk about pooing for a moment! (and don't moan my blog is usually fully of shit). Just picture the setting. Your settled in your position, you've adjusted the buttocks on the toilet seat for maximum comfort. You've been sat there just long enough for the toilet seat to have reached the right temperature that you don't have to hover about 3 mm above it. Some people may equip themselves with something to read whilst going through the ritual, a newspaper, a magazine, or like myself take the time to catch up with the world on twitter. You put your best poo face on and go through the procedure (people who have me on snapchat may have occasionally seen my poo face). Plop your business is done and now it's time to wipe yourself and get back on with your day. You hear the door to the toilet block open and this is usually followed by a giggle and then BANG! the lights go out. Yes this is the daily scenario that happens in the office. It's become the prank of choice to wait until someone is just at the critical point of the pooing cycle and then flick the lights of and leave the room. Now you're faced with a major decision. Do you carry on wiping in the dark and hope that you do the job adequately, or do you open the cubicle and waddle to the light switch at the other end of the toilets with your pants round your ankles waddling like some uncomfortable penguin. Luckily my fruit based phone has a torch function on it so I can usually finish up the deed and be on my way, but if you haven't got your phone on you then it can be a problem. The problem is, as uncomfortable and as awkward as this is, it's still one of the funniest gags around. Although it pails into insignificance against the plot to convince the cleaner that she's hearing voices (But that's another story)
Anyway that's me, this has been my blog and if you like what you read you can find me on various social media outlets
Facebook
Twitter
Snapchat @kesinik
Instagram @kesinik
Comments
Post a Comment